Your Ex Tested as “Secure.” But They Weren’t. What Happened?
It’s one of the most common stories I hear in my counseling practice.
Someone sits across from me, hurt and bewildered:
“But they tested as secure. I had them take the attachment style quiz early on. I thought I was finally choosing someone healthy.”
And yet that same partner is now hesitant with affection.
Avoids emotional intimacy.
Pulls away when things get joyful.
Prioritizes work, hobbies—even chores—over connection.
So what happened?
How could someone test as secure and still act so avoidant?
Why “Secure” on an Attachment Quiz Doesn’t Mean Secure in Love
The uncomfortable truth is this: most people, especially those with avoidant attachment patterns, don’t know they’re avoiding love.
They think they’re “just independent.”
That they have “high standards.”
That the other person isn’t a good fit.
But the reality?
Avoidants don’t usually know they’re avoiding.
It takes radical self-awareness to admit that the reason you keep pushing people away… is fear.
The Sophisticated Defenses of the Avoidant Partner
Avoidants rationalize with thoughts that sound reasonable—even enlightened:
“They’re too much.”
“I don’t want to be manipulated.”
“I’m just not ready.”
We call it incompatibility.
We call it freedom.
But underneath, it’s fear of intimacy.
And here’s what makes it even harder to spot:
We live in a time when many people appear sophisticated… but aren’t.
Many believe they’re self-aware… but haven’t gone deep.
Many claim they’ve healed… but their relationships still suffer.
The Attraction Trap
In my practice, I see the same pattern again and again.
An avoidant client insists: “I’m just not attracted to my partner anymore.”
To them, it feels like the first time this has ever happened. Surely it must be their partner’s fault.
But then I ask: “Tell me about your last three relationships. Did you also lose attraction then?”
The answer is almost always yes. Not three, but five, ten, or more.
They simply never noticed the cycle before: pedestalize → dismiss → discard.
Secure Scores Don’t Equal Secure Love
A “secure” score on an attachment style test doesn’t mean someone has worked through their relational wounds.
It might mean they see themselves as secure.
But self-perception is not the same as relational skill.
In fact, some of the most intellectually or spiritually “advanced” people I’ve worked with are also the most defended. They know how to talk about vulnerability, but not live it. They crave intimacy but structure their lives to avoid it.
They have the language of love—but not the nervous system capacity for it.
Why I Created My Own Attachment Quiz
That’s why I created my own conscious relationship quiz—designed not just to label your attachment style, but to help you stop lying to yourself.
Because transformation doesn’t come from labels. It comes from truth.
The Real Attachment Test
The next time someone tells you they’re secure, don’t just believe the label.
Watch what happens in the quiet, emotional moments—when joy is offered, when closeness is possible, or when conflict arises.
Do they lean in? Or do they back away?
That’s the real quiz.
And it’s one we all need to keep taking.
Are You Truly Ready for Love?
Want to find out if you’re actually ready for love—or just good at talking about it?
👉 Take the relationship quiz here :
With fierce devotion,
Gigi 🌹